Updated: Sep 10, 2018
For as long as I can remember, I have been dealing with Ms. Intention. Ms. Intention went to college and can talk real good (excuse the grammar), she can dress real nice too, and can show up for a group of people if required. The entire time, she is ripping herself apart. What if I say something wrong? What if they don't like what I have to say? What if? What if? What if? You fill in the blanks.
Ms. Intention is sad, consistently feels lonely, has tummy aches, is consistently worried about her performance, perception from others, being a good wife, mother, co-worker, church member, business owner, student and daughter. Ms. Intention just hangs around and isn't really interested in engaging with people, places, or things. She's frequently described as an introvert, is exhausted by continued conversation, and the thought of getting ready for a family or friends gathering.
Trust is important to Ms. Intention, and that includes her thoughts. Those thoughts stay inside and roll around over and over again until they make Ms. Intention sick. Then the tears start...but only at home...in the shower...when no one is around.
Ms. Intention means well. She cares A LOT! She's always thinking of a solution for herself, her family, and others. She is prepared. Organization helps, but it can get neglected if those thoughts take over. She is friends with fear, and sadness, and likes the way that joy looks- but over thinks it for herself while ensuring others have it.
Ms. Intention is my anxiety. Ms. Intention is a part of me.
Mental health is a big topic of conversation right now. 2 celebs recently committed suicide and now it's important to the country. What about the average folks? Particularly, what about the person who "puts on a good front" and at home they break down?
Growing up, I was always told to pray about it, and give it to God. I must admit that my reason has always been at war with Gods omniscience. Prayer, fasting, and frequent doctors visits have been helpful for Ms. Intention, but it doesn't make her go away. I live with her.
Side note...for all the scuba saints out there: Yes I claim my anxiety. It is part of me. No different than having asthma or eczema. Ignoring or pretending that you don't have something because you are saved doesn't make it any less real. Until some of y'all claim and confront the things you are dealing with the "devil will always be busy". Stop giving him so much credit. For so long, I thought I was crazy. No, crazy was denying Ms. Intention's presence.
The awesome thing is that God is greater than Ms. Intention. The moment I learned to let go, was the day that she began to fade to the background. I am daily becoming and transforming and here's how:
Focus on what I can control: having anxiety is all about control. Being a control freak is exhausting and does not allow God to fully show up in your life. The moment you cast all your cares on him, you can then rest in him.
Self Care: this is a biggie and honestly I'm not a pro at it yet. I focus on my job, son, husband, house, family...everything-Before Nia. I'm still working on this one...let me just say kick boxing wasn't for me! I'm trying Pilates next...lol
Weekly visits to my therapist: we have black woman talk, set goals, and power through. Her name is Candice. I wish we could be friends! She helps me to navigate the ups and downs with Ms. Intention and all of the stuff in between. Treat yo self to therapy. It works!
Bullet Journaling: there's tons of you tube videos and Pinterest pages on this one. Ignore them and do what works for you. I found that being organized helps my anxiety and I can tell when I'm having a "flare up" because everything is a mess. Get a journal, make a list, and don't take yourself too seriously.
Daily Spiritual Intake: the most important one! I meditate every morning on a special verse from the you version bible app. At least 3 times per day I reflect on the scripture of the day and at night I write in my bullet journal about what I heard from God. I don't try to get too deep. I just ask God what does he want me to learn, and I move from there.
It took me 3 weeks to publish this post. Ms. Intention was fighting so hard with me, because she was certain that people would think I was crazy. This week my husband looked at me and said, "if you wait for all of your ducks to be in a row, you will never cross the street. Start walking and bring the ducks along with you".